How do they love

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How do they love? How can one just commit wholeheartedly to an unpredictable cause, it still eludes me on how they are so carefree and fearless. I cant get my heart broken again. I still bare the scars of the love I lost that of my mothers may she find peace, and now my grandmother who was the second love of my life and now I’m supposed to fall in love? What a cruel joke. I’ll have it guarded and deny the happiness for as long as I can, for what is a brief moment of happiness when it will be replaced with this everlasting feeling of anguish and despair that no recreational substance can repair. I’ve found a home in the shadows with the hopeless and the emotionally deprived I found solace in the most unkind places…I tread were no sane human should be, but then again I am of a different breed. There have been moments when I could have have fallen into this glorified cause that’s been paraded to be such a noble cause ‘love’ self- sabotage always saves the day. 

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On your own

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This twisting pain that fills my lungs, that boils my blood. That gives fury to my veins, this wretched feeling of retribution, my mother passed and there’s no one to stand beside me. I feel so gutted, so fucking gutted. I have no one in this world to fight this fucking battle, I feel so fucking defeated, so fucking betrayed…yet I carry on hoping that I get my chance to prove to myself that I’m worthy, no doves in my world just hawkish people who are waiting for me to fuck up. So I suck it up let the hate fuel me, it’s a cruel twisted world. So I just choose to be the realist in this quagmire, she says I admire your grind. To her I seem like I’m flawless, yet my vices are well hidden. 

Stardust

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You gave your heart away, you where blown away..you was an disenchanted individual who roamed like she was invisible, you was impacted by me I rebranded you, you was remanded into my custody. I imprinted my initials into your soul, revamped your way of living, you might say I misdirected you…but all I wanted was you for to feel some type of way…you was so disconnected and now I can see the energy flowing…it’s electric, some might say it’s hysteric I tell you not to listen to the cleric or the other critics, you’ve found love in this world and I would tell you to hold on to it, cherish it for it will fade, erode into dust. But maybe we’re just like star dust bound to be spread around the galaxy….

The storm

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The rain was pouring, the storm was brewing…this time there was no calm. It came with such ferocity it drowned the whole city, no survivors we all perished. And now we’re trying to cross borders, a safe land I’m searching for I tell the officers who hold back my kind, he only allows the young and the ailing to pass through, failing to understand that we all need help, he doesn’t heed my advice, now we organise and try to rise above the law. The hoses came out they sprayed us with water canons, it’s like we drowning again all over again. My relatives pawned of all their assets to be trafficked like cattle and now we are using scrap metal as shelter. This is not what I envisioned my for my life to be…

My why

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What’s your why? 
What’s your why! I heard him shout at me across the stage screaming faith into my lungs. What’s your why? He repeated as he looked me deep into my soul, what’s your why? He repeated as I saw all the hope fleeting back into my eyes. What’s you why? He repeated as I surged deep into my soul to find this hidden gift. What’s you why he repeated? As I asked myself what is that drives? What’s your why he repeated? As I still wondered why was I bewildered by all my past defeats. What’s your why he repeated? And then it sprung to me. What’s your why he repeated? And I replied to seek redemption, to right my wrongs and to undo all the evil deeds that where committed by me so carelessly, to seek forgiveness from my lord and family too and finally find inner peace. To set a path for my little siblings to follow and to un turn all the stones that where turned in my rage-full fury, to make my mother proud and have her smile in the heavens above and pave a pathway for a future generation. And how are you going to achieve this? By working tirelessly, tenaciously and being vigorous in my pursuit of success. By being working twice hard and having the right mindset to alter any circumstance. To outdo myself in every possible way and to know that at times my will, will be tested however which great man hasn’t been tested. To forgive but not forget as I still haven’t learnt how to let go yet nevertheless that is my motto for success. 

Fake smile

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I’m putting on that fake smile, I’ll be ready for the world in a little while. I just need to adjust to this mask to feel a sense of security. The bruises are not healing, the feelings are getting deeper with all these insecurities and these cuts that have been inflicted…I feel convicted for things I did not perpetuate you can still see the residue from the last encounter I had with myself. You know the feeling when it’s long over due and you can’t bare to think that your past will catch up with you all those errors you thought you left behind comes out it into the light to knockout the lights of you and it’s puts you back on your back. So you readjust your mask to conceal how you really feel and show that fake smile to the world, I once used to praise myself for not following the herd, for not conforming..for not being like the rest. And where did that get me I got left behind..

Treachery

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No one ever cared, I always made it through on my own. I learned how to carry myself, how to manoeuvre with a broken spirit..how to keep chanting the words of freedom when all I have known was a broken home. I preserved through the murkiest of moments, and I still have the greatest journey ahead..I surge forward after every stumble and every failed try I still surge forward…with a vision and a dream as weapon to defeat any foe that dares to step in my way. I have been sabotaged, deceived…back stabbed by a knife that I never saw coming as it cut so deep into the jugular vessels that my body doesn’t circulate the empathy the way it once did. No matter how vulgar they where towards me I treaded the path of uncertainty with my head held high as I tread on. I have become an unfeeling individual as no treachery seems to surprise me anymore as I always assume the worst…they say my soul is yet to be loved…but you see once the trust fades from you, it erodes into dust and it becomes beyond the bounds of possibility for you to have the humility to bestow such certitude on a person. 

When will meet again

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  I dreamed of you again last night, And it’s to much to bare for one man such heartbreak..such wretchedness that’s creeping into my heart. 
I have grown cold, 
I wear the mask of hatred and it’s suits me so well. 
They say they love me…I can’t trust them. 
I have this severe illness…I can’t give my heart over to another I might say sweet words to smother however this hearts only loved once and it’s been unthinkable of how it can go back to it’s glory days when there was no worry just a beautiful story that had twists. 
they ask me why I never cried? When you stopped breathing and your soul left it’s corpse…I didn’t know how to reply. Because that was the exact moment when the emptiness shot it in and no part of my heart was left untouched by this reckoning. 

My LondonĀ 

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My London, where we don’t just get down but let the gun clap till a man is down. Screw faces, look twice and gets laced, fast paced you’ve got keep your wits about you. Not everyone can survive and live at the same time so people get eaten alive, where guys are always trying, you might get chiefed up for being too kind, where people act blind to poverty and violence that’s so poignant, not much distant between us and the uber rich, council flats where I became a man way too soon, a goon bag is what I aspired for, conspired with so many that I pray I get forgiven for given in to my circumstances, Lauryn hill said how I’m supposed to win if I ain’t right with in but I have this devil within me that tends to creep out at the most awkward situations, then I’ll visit my fallen comrade in the hospital ward, renegade youth lost in the magical city of London we just want the fast money, the honey is what motivates I’m not looking for a queen bee, I’ll slip on my white tee, with the trainers to match it, expensive watches to feel important, let them free my brothers from their over stretched sentences and we’ll shutdown the city like the brudda skepta said. I’m fully grown now, or so I would like to think. For now I’ll smoke till my lungs give in on me, not one to choke in heated moments, you should see me walking through my hometown I greeted from the locals to shopkeepers the love is surreal, I just want someone who is real who could understand me on a personal level, that doesn’t enforce change, yet proposes better ideas, she might even give me a purpose to strive for something that’s greater that me and her…so I’m here steady, day dreaming…hoping that I’m ready when fate when finally comes my way and pops down my avenue, but till then I’ll be here with my the snakes and leaches trying accumulate some kind of revenue to sustain me. They wonder how I accept the pain that I’m dealing with, how are you supposed to except anything else when all you know is treachery and bloodlust, not one to fall in love..the lust is what drives me to new heights, the plight on one man is to heavy for anyone to burden..

Black lives matterĀ 

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They demonise my kind. Blatant disregard for my race, why are they so unkind mum? A young terrified child asks his mum, who means the world to him. She replies, with silent cries, they don’t know better. The young child still confused and bemused by this racial hatred that’s been ingrained in so many minds, he asks his birth giver…light bringer again mother why do they antagonise? because of my skin? and full African features? and why do the teachers stay silent? as this hate festers in their pupils and allow it to manifest to such an extent when one is hellbent to eradicate my race of this earth? You see mother they taught me in school about men who hate and perpetuate such villainous acts, I could name a few; let’s start of with Hitler and what about the South African apartheid, the lynching of black men on high ropes on big trees, the burning skin of those who dared to utter out word of liberty and justice…and every time I watch the news I see the dehumanisation of an entire population and they wonder why these people tend to scream out annihilation to the negro population. Well the facts are simple son she replied as she mustered up the courage to instil faith back into her heart knowing that telling her son the undivided truth was the only salivation for him to find peace on this long journey for him…she said If your black your portrayed as a thug, a Muslim a terrorist and if you’re white your mentally deprived. So know your place in this world and know that their distaste and dislike in us is undisguised….words that should not have been uttered out to a young child.